Several Years Later

It's been nearly 2½ years since my last post. So much has happened. Jim got on methadone in September, 2012. He still used for a few weeks after beginning treatment. He's been off dope since October 12, 2012. Our daughter, Julianna Jaymes, was born on November 15th, weighing in at 6lbs, 7oz. Unfortunately, she had to spend the first 6 weeks of her life in the NICU. I relapsed on January 24, 2013. Luckily, I only used that day.

In May, I got pregnant again. It had been 4 months since I last used. Out of my pregnancies that I carried to term, it was the most difficult. One day in October, I began throwing up blood. I went to the ER, where they gave me a GI Cocktail, which was a mix of Maalox and a couple other things. It had phenobarbital in it, which caused me to have a positive UDS. By this time, I had three take home bottles, which I almost lost due to the positive screen. I kept advocating for myself (something my counselor had told me she was proud of me doing) because I knew what it was from; it wasn't listed on my discharge paperwork from the hospital. It took a couple of weeks before it was finally confirmed that it was in the medicine.

On January 29, 2014, four days after I had one year off of heroin, Jim and I welcomed our 6 pound, 6 ounce son, James Jr. Luckily, he only had to stay in the NICU for 6 days.

In May, I decided that I wanted to begin my journey of getting off methadone. I had not known anyone who was successful in doing so, and remained off opioids. I began to taper. I had my first decrease of 3mg from 95. I felt great, so I changed the taper to 5mg every other week. I continued that taper plan until I was on 12mg. Once I got to 12, I chose to taper 2mg per week. That's when things got messed up.

I had 5 take home bottles. Because of the schedule of my take homes and when the taper change went in, I went from 12 to 5 in three days. My bottles for Wednesday and Thursday had 12mg. The change went into effect on Friday but since my bottles were made on Tuesday, the remaining 3 had 7 each. When I returned to the clinic on Monday, i was on 5. That day and the next, I had some mild withdrawal - sweats and chills and leg aches. I was also legit sick. I took Aleve those days and by Wednesday, I was fine. The following Monday, I was at 3, then 1 the week after that. I took my final dose on March 1, 2015.

When I got down to 3mg, I experienced the worst and only withdrawal from my entire taper, with the exception of the two days where my taper had gotten messed up. I sneezed so much and I absolutely could not sleep. Insomnia was nothing new for me but with three children aged 5 and under and going on two hours of sleep per night (if I was that lucky to get that much) was absolute hell. My clinic allows patients to stay there for counseling and groups for a year after tapering. I kept going for six months, until September, and I'm so glad I did. In May, I was chosen by the clinical director to attend a dinner hosted by the mayor of Philadelphia (as I wrote about in a post from back then).

It's been a long journey. I've now been free from the grasp of heroin for over 5½ years. On September 1st, I had 3½ years off methadone. Jim and I split two years ago but we began to rekindle our relationship this past summer. He's still on methadone, which has caused some problems, but I'd rather him be on methadone than the alternative. He has tapered over 30 milligrams. I support him no matter what he does.

I am not completely “clean.” I don't believe in the NA stance of abstinence only. I believe that recovery, like addiction, is very personal and unique and differs for everyone. I drink occasionally and I smoke pot. It's been about three, almost four weeks since I've done either. I think smoking weed has helped me to not relapse to something that will control my life. If I ever relapse, then I'll relapse. It won't be because of an occasional beer or bud. Now that medical marijuana has been legalized in PA, I'm hoping that other people may use it as a form of opioid recovery.

I've still got a long journey to go and so many more chapters to write in this story called Highway to Hell...Road to Recovery. Recovery is something that I will be in for the rest of my life. Even now, with over five years off heroin and over three years off all forms of opioids, I still have my days where I crave it or when I'm extremely stressed out and the first thing that pops into my head is buying a couple of bags. I've been strong. Stay tuned for more!