My chronicles dealing with drug addiction from the start of hell through my recovery and beyond.
Thursday, March 26, 2015
Becoming Who I Despised
Friday, March 13, 2015
Lost Blog Post
Sunday, March 8, 2015
Pink - Who Knew
Saturday, March 7, 2015
New House, New Habit, New...Baby?
We moved in on a Monday. We spent those first few days getting high. I don't remember too much except not having sex that night, which I was mad about. The next day, Valentine's Day, my monthly friend made her visit (this is important, it leads up to the end of the month). That Friday, we both went to work like usual, but we had to get our fix first so we would feel okay at our jobs. Jim picked me up after I was done and we went to our spot. I stayed in the car a block away while he went to get it.
About twenty minutes went by and Jim wasn't back yet. I didn't want to call him because it just doesn't look good when you're making a drug deal. I waited like ten more minutes, watching people walking by looking at me. I knew they were thinking, "Only one reason why a little white girl is around here." I finally called him. No answer. I called several times, sent a few texts. No response. Jim got locked up. I just knew he did. I got into the driver's seat and fired up the engine. It was my first time driving.
I circled the block and as soon as I turned onto the street that Jim went to, I saw a cop car. I drove by, trying to look in the cop car. I couldn't tell if he was in there or not. I circled around a few times before deciding to head home (the cop had left after my first trip or two around). On my last drive by, the dealers were right back out. I didn't get anything - Jim had all of our money, plus I didn't know how to shoot myself up. When I got back into our neighborhood five minutes later, my phone rang. It was Jim. They let him use his phone to let me know he was arrested. I had a lot of trouble sleeping that night.
The next morning, I overslept and was running late for work. I knew I wouldn't make it on time if I took the bus, so I decided to drive there. I did a pretty damn good job driving too. A few hours through my shift, I got a text from Jim. He was released on ROR. He got to my job, got the keys, and went to get a bag. He picked me up when I was done and went to get more. It was my first time going up to the dealers on my own. This continued until the last week of February, when Jim got a call that his job was starting back up. We decided to start taking Suboxone.
We took the subs for I think 5 days. On February 26th, I was feeling really down. I had a baby shower to go to for my friend Kim, the one who introduced us. It was also my due date for the first baby that I had lost. Jim took me to the shower and I had a nice time. After he picked me up, we went home to wait for my daughter to get home from her grandmother's house. We had sex for the first time since living in the house. Jim went I think the next say for a drug screening for his work. He passed. We celebrated him having his job back by getting high.
When my dad was a baby, his mother left him and his three sisters. She left my grandpop for another man. She wound up having two more children. About a week after we started to use again, my parents invited me to meet my dad's half-brother and half-sister. There were a bunch of us - my parents, two of my dad's sisters, I think my cousin's daughter. I forget who else. We went to a bar in the neighborhood where Jim, my dad's half-brother, bought everyone a round. I had a shot of Southern Comfort.
A few days later, I got this feeling inside of me that had happened three other times. It was around March 11th. I went to CVS to buy a pregnancy test. When I peed on it, it told me that I was once again pregnant.
Thursday, March 5, 2015
Hello Heroin, My Name is Kim!
From everything I knew about heroin, I was expecting to feel it the second Jim injected it into my arm. I waited. I didn't feel anything. Jim was asking me if my body was starting to feel warm. Nope. After about 30 seconds, I started to get this weird taste in my mouth. Then, I felt the warmth. It spread throughout my entire body. It felt amazing! I had to pee. I got out of the car to pop a squat and could barely feel my legs. I couldn't believe I had never tried heroin before! It was such a great feeling!! We had sex in the car then went to get more dope and needles.
I knew I couldn't go home that night. We decided to spend the night at a hotel. During the half hour drive, I remember laying my seat back in the car. I wanted to talk, but couldn't. I don't even remember getting out of the car when we got to the hotel, or going to our room.
I didn't want to do it again after that, at least not right away. I was afraid of getting addicted to it. I was actually surprised that I wasn't addicted since I was always told that once you try heroin one time, you're hooked. One day, I texted Sam (we hadn't really spoken in a year except for a few texts and Facebook messages here and there) and told her that I had tried it. She told me not to do it anymore so that the same thing that happened to her wouldn't happen to me (I had hung out with her one day, sometime after my miscarriage and before I tried it). She finally admitted to me that she was doing heroin but I was surprised to learn that she had been doing it since around the time when my daughter was born. She got pregnant and got on methadone. She was about 5 months pregnant at this point.
About a week after the first time I got high, Jim and I got into a fight. I don't remember what the fight was about but I do remember getting high. Jim said that I should get high every time we fight because it relaxes me and makes me happier. It was probably after this that I started to use every day. I never did it by myself, always with Jim. I couldn't do it by myself anyway, I didn't know how to find a vein to shoot up. I tried one night; I must've stuck myself 20 times before giving up. It took some time before I figured it out. Jim and I got a house shortly after. We signed the lease on February 13th. I was definitely addicted to it by then.
The Beginning of the End
ME: Hello? Who's this?
GUY: Who's this?
ME: Um, you're answering my boyfriend's phone, who is this?
GUY: I'm a police officer.
ME: What happened? Is Jim okay?
COP: He's laying in the middle of the street.