Cravings

Like I wrote in the "Several Years Later" post, I occasionally get cravings and think about getting high. After so many years of not using, it would probably feel amazing. But those good feelings won't last long. What will last will be the obsession, using once then thinking about it constantly then being right back out there.

I wanted to use yesterday. Being a single mom, my life is usually pretty stressful. Between not being able to find a job and having my kids almost constantly, I want to rip my hair out most days. I was close to texting Jim yesterday to tell him to come get the kids because I was going to go get a bag. Luckily, no matter how stressed I am, the thoughts don't last long. The key for me is, and always has been, to keep my hands busy, specifically my hands. I like to make things, whether it's sewing something or cooking, knitting or crocheting, or even writing, if my hands are busy, I'm usually okay.

We all have stressors and triggers. We just need to figure out what they are and how to avoid them. Or, if it's impossible to avoid, we just need to learn how to work around them. I've found my way. Do my ways always work for me? No, but when one method fails, I try the next.

My Name is Heroin

I found this poem years ago, before I started using heroin. I always knew how addicting and deadly it could be but I guess I just didn't care. I think one reason why it took me so long to try it is because I knew how much I would like it. I was right. I don't know who the original author of this poem is but everyone should read it. It's completely, 100% true.

I destroy homes, tear families apart
Take your children, and that's just the start
I'm more costly than diamonds, more costly than gold
The sorrow I bring is a sight to behold

If you need me, remember, I'm easily found
I live all around you, in schools and in town
I live with the rich, I live with the poor
I live down the street, and maybe next door

My power is awesome, try me, you'll see
But if you do, you may never break free
Just try me once and I might let you go
But try me twice and I'll own your soul

When I possess you, you'll steal and you'll lie
You'll do what you have to, just to get high
The crimes you'll commit for my narcotic charm
Will be worth all the pleasure you'll feel in your arm

You'll lie to your mother, you'll steal from your dad
When you see their tears, you should feel sad
But you'll forget your morals, and how you were raised
I'll be your conscience, I'll teach you my ways

I take kids from parents, and parents from kids
I turn people from god and separate friends
I'll take everything from you, your looks and your pride
I'll be with you always, right by your side

You'll give up everything, your family, your home
You friends and your money, then you'll be alone
I'll take and I'll take til you have nothing more to give
When I'm finished with you, you'll be lucky to live

If you try me, be warned, this is no game
If given the chance, I'll drive you insane
I'll ravish your body, I'll control your mind
I'll own you completely, your soul will be mind

The nightmares I'll give you while laying in bed
The voices you'll hear from inside your head
The sweats and the shakes, the visions you'll see
I want you to know, they're all gifts from me

By then, it's too late and you'll know in your heart
That you are now mine and we shall not part
You'll regret that you tried me, they always do
But you came to me, not I to you

You knew this would happen, many times you were told
But you challenged my power and chose to be bold
You could have said no and just walked away
If you could live that day over, what would you say?

I'll be your master and you'll be my slave
I'll even go with you when you go to your grave
Now that you've met me, what will you do?
Will you try me or not? It's all up to you

I can bring you more misery than words can tell
Come take my hand, let me lead you to hell

Several Years Later

It's been nearly 2½ years since my last post. So much has happened. Jim got on methadone in September, 2012. He still used for a few weeks after beginning treatment. He's been off dope since October 12, 2012. Our daughter, Julianna Jaymes, was born on November 15th, weighing in at 6lbs, 7oz. Unfortunately, she had to spend the first 6 weeks of her life in the NICU. I relapsed on January 24, 2013. Luckily, I only used that day.

In May, I got pregnant again. It had been 4 months since I last used. Out of my pregnancies that I carried to term, it was the most difficult. One day in October, I began throwing up blood. I went to the ER, where they gave me a GI Cocktail, which was a mix of Maalox and a couple other things. It had phenobarbital in it, which caused me to have a positive UDS. By this time, I had three take home bottles, which I almost lost due to the positive screen. I kept advocating for myself (something my counselor had told me she was proud of me doing) because I knew what it was from; it wasn't listed on my discharge paperwork from the hospital. It took a couple of weeks before it was finally confirmed that it was in the medicine.

On January 29, 2014, four days after I had one year off of heroin, Jim and I welcomed our 6 pound, 6 ounce son, James Jr. Luckily, he only had to stay in the NICU for 6 days.

In May, I decided that I wanted to begin my journey of getting off methadone. I had not known anyone who was successful in doing so, and remained off opioids. I began to taper. I had my first decrease of 3mg from 95. I felt great, so I changed the taper to 5mg every other week. I continued that taper plan until I was on 12mg. Once I got to 12, I chose to taper 2mg per week. That's when things got messed up.

I had 5 take home bottles. Because of the schedule of my take homes and when the taper change went in, I went from 12 to 5 in three days. My bottles for Wednesday and Thursday had 12mg. The change went into effect on Friday but since my bottles were made on Tuesday, the remaining 3 had 7 each. When I returned to the clinic on Monday, i was on 5. That day and the next, I had some mild withdrawal - sweats and chills and leg aches. I was also legit sick. I took Aleve those days and by Wednesday, I was fine. The following Monday, I was at 3, then 1 the week after that. I took my final dose on March 1, 2015.

When I got down to 3mg, I experienced the worst and only withdrawal from my entire taper, with the exception of the two days where my taper had gotten messed up. I sneezed so much and I absolutely could not sleep. Insomnia was nothing new for me but with three children aged 5 and under and going on two hours of sleep per night (if I was that lucky to get that much) was absolute hell. My clinic allows patients to stay there for counseling and groups for a year after tapering. I kept going for six months, until September, and I'm so glad I did. In May, I was chosen by the clinical director to attend a dinner hosted by the mayor of Philadelphia (as I wrote about in a post from back then).

It's been a long journey. I've now been free from the grasp of heroin for over 5½ years. On September 1st, I had 3½ years off methadone. Jim and I split two years ago but we began to rekindle our relationship this past summer. He's still on methadone, which has caused some problems, but I'd rather him be on methadone than the alternative. He has tapered over 30 milligrams. I support him no matter what he does.

I am not completely “clean.” I don't believe in the NA stance of abstinence only. I believe that recovery, like addiction, is very personal and unique and differs for everyone. I drink occasionally and I smoke pot. It's been about three, almost four weeks since I've done either. I think smoking weed has helped me to not relapse to something that will control my life. If I ever relapse, then I'll relapse. It won't be because of an occasional beer or bud. Now that medical marijuana has been legalized in PA, I'm hoping that other people may use it as a form of opioid recovery.

I've still got a long journey to go and so many more chapters to write in this story called Highway to Hell...Road to Recovery. Recovery is something that I will be in for the rest of my life. Even now, with over five years off heroin and over three years off all forms of opioids, I still have my days where I crave it or when I'm extremely stressed out and the first thing that pops into my head is buying a couple of bags. I've been strong. Stay tuned for more!